Today I dedicate this little note to myself.
For months I had been living on panic mode. You know that pit feeling in your stomach that you get in the middle of the night? That was it. Every night I would count to ten and then repeat it in reverse just to tire myself to sleep. Anyone would tell me that whatever it was, it could get worse so all I had to do was let it go.
Well unfortunately, its easier said than done. In a previous post, I talked about my anxiety and anyone who suffers from the same would tell you that you have to familiarize yourself with the chaos. Your brain becomes one with it.
It’s not fun having to remind yourself to stay present; that everything that plays out in your head is imaginative; well, mostly. Anyone would do anything to get just a little bit of quiet, trust me… nothing’s off the table, and I mean nothing. Here, you would easily get into drugs; you’d pump so much ADHD medication into your system just to have a little bit of quiet. You’d get drunk and high over and over again just to avoid the tremors and nightmares. You’d become a ticking time-bomb.
I got myself in a fix because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Subconsciously I knew that it wouldn’t end well but anything to make it stop, right? It was a temporary fix but I still went with it. In the moment, I felt like I was floating; I felt lighter. I smiled genuinely for the first time in ages, I was finally in touch with reality. I loved every minute of it. I felt heard, loved, cared for; it was satisfying. I was ready to risk it all; actually, I did. I didn’t want to feel alone anymore. At that moment, I had everything I wanted. The fix worked; it was finally quiet.
Like I mentioned, it was temporary. It stopped just like it started. As hurt as I was, I already knew that this was meant to happen, it was just a matter of when. It was a consequence I had to deal with. The tremors came back, the ringing in my ears, the migraines, the insomnia, the pit feeling in my gut… Wasn’t this what I wanted to get rid of? I stared at my right hand and realized that my scars were finally fading and I suddenly had this urge to pick up where I left off. This time, all I did was blankly stare at the blade.
Therefore, I dedicate this little note to myself
Like every other bad habit, mine is just as toxic. I’m an addict. I can’t stay away from it even when I know that I’ll have to sell a piece of myself to make it happen. I keep telling myself that the end justifies the means; but at what cost? I realized that I am not kind to myself and I do not mean the self-love mantra that people keep talking about. I mean literal kindness. If I was kind to myself, I’d cut myself some slack every once in a while.
As I counted to ten last night, a little voice in my head told me to breathe and reminded me to be kind to myself. That’s all it comes down to…kindness. Just as kind as you are to others, extend yourself the same courtesy. It goes a long way, trust me. I might have to remind myself to take my own advice once in a while, but this is it.
As much as I dedicate this little note to myself, remember to be kind to yourself.