I am a hopeless romantic and I know we love love here but today is not that day. Before you crucify me for that, just hear me out.
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Alicia Keys and I know one or two things about that. At least we have that in common.
I wanted to tell him how much I missed him even though it was wrong to. Especially since he just up and left with no reason whatsoever. That and the fact that he hadn’t missed me at all. You know how you end a relationship but still have a sort of back-and-forth thing going on? 37 days after blocking and unblocking each other, after telling your friends that you’re done with him and he’s trash? We didn’t have that. That’s probably toxic by the way, you need to let go Sally.
Anyway, he left without looking back. He never texted or called. It was almost as if he was escaping something; there were no regrets. I mean no one leaves like that, surely si hata bibi ya Lot aliangalia nyuma? I kept waiting and hoping that he would come back to me and I know I’m starting to sound like a toxic person, but I promise I’m not. It’s just nice to know that someone’s having a hard time letting me go especially if I am too. Don’t we all like that? No? chonjo
For days, weeks and months after that I’d cry myself to sleep. I’d read and re-read the conversations we had before he started ghosting. The emails we sent each other, snaps. Gosh guys, we talked even on email. Aki mapenzi wewe! All the sweet nothings he’d told me including promising me the world. I didn’t think about where the rest of you would go but he didn’t deliver, so you’re safe. I’d watch the videos we’d made and laugh at how goofy we were. Then I’d wear his clothes, listen to our songs, and cry some more. I did that a lot and it became routine.
Now you’re thinking, sis it’s not that deep. It’s just a breakup, right? People have experienced worse things and been brave about it. I get that and I applaud them but this is just me wearing my heart on my sleeve here. Honestly, I was traumatized by the whole thing, messed me up completely. He opened the floodgates of hell; trust issues, anxiety, self-doubt among other things. Premium character development aisee! For a moment there, I really had thought he was THE ONE. I had put this man on a pedestal from where he would bend to kiss me on the forehead with his constant reassurance. It’s really true what they say, forehead kisses take away your commonsense people, beware! Sounds really dumb now but I had my whole life planned out with him; how our children would have his eyebrows and hair because his was a gorgeous mane. Please don’t judge me. Or do, because it won’t change a thing and I am not in the business of policing opinions.
I have the balls to share this because I’m past it now. Well not entirely, but I’m doing pretty okay. At least I don’t cry in the shower anymore, Fergie said big girls don’t cry. Yes I see the irony but trust me, I’m a big girl now. Although, I still cringe when I hear our songs playing or his name or when people ask me about him. I still want to run him over but not as much now so that should count for something.
I know you think I’ll end by saying I wish him all the best and I forgive him and stuff. I’m not there yet and I probably will never be. Also, you really can’t expect me to be the bigger person. I mean sometimes I try but my height can only allow so much. I literally can’t be the bigger person. That’s only funny if you’ve met me and if you haven’t, you’re missing out. Do better.
Am I grateful that it happened? No, not really. I’d like to think I dodged a bullet though, for my own good. Safe to say that I still can’t really tell genuine from fake but please don’t use that against me. I also don’t know what to feel about forehead kisses yet. Oh, and Brick n Lace were right; love really is wicked. Other than that, I’m grateful I got over it and went ahead to venture into more character development because the streets never rest. That’s a story for another day though, we have time. For now, happy new year because I’m Kenyan and we’ll keep saying that till April.